want a sip? didn't think so.

pat yourself on the back if you voted yesterday. if you didn't, grandma will get you.

phone scam

okay, well, i picked up my phone today to check whether it was someone i wanted to talk to or not (don't you hate people who do that?)( well, don't you hate people whom you suspect don't want to talk to you?), and there on my caller ID it said, "PHONE SCAM." no, i'm not kidding.

i can envision the conversation at the telephone company when these crooks went in to obtain telephone service. yes, we'll have call waiting, and voice mail, etc. "what would you like it to say on caller ID when you are calling someone?" well, what do you think? hmmmm. something simple, i guess. "what type of business is it?" well, it's a phone scam. that's good, let's just put "phone scam" on, shall we? yeah, that would be good. "phone scam."

just in case you didn't know.....

before and after



i am 60, going on 70, i've grow up! just like a lump.
the floor makes me trip, i land on my hip,
i've fallen! i can't get up!

i am 60 going on 70, once i was sweet and young,
now wrinkles and sags and crow's feet and bags:
what once was tight's now sprung.

totally unprepared am i for my man to retire.
bear him at home all day? can i?
just light my funeral pyre.

i need someone younger and stronger
taking me to the loo,
he is 60 going on 70, who'll take care of who?

a-one more time:

oh, i have eight cats, i crochet hats,
it's what you're supposed to do,
when you're 60 going on 70,
watch out! it's coming for you!

ok, i'm back, don't talk about it

THE WONDERFUL DOCTOR OF OZ

"We're off to see the doctor, the wonderful doctor of oz.
We hear he is a freak about germs if ever a freak there was.
Wear gloves to the grocery, don't eat the dip,
Don't touch your face with a fingertip.
Why, oh, why, cuz Dr. Oz is scared, scared of the everyday things he does.
(and he wants to be sure we're scared too. so there.)
But all the women love him,
The wonderful doctor of oz.

p.s.

perfect southern biscuits

2C self-rise flour, martha white or white lily
(OR 2C plain flour with 1 T b.p. and 1 t salt)
6 T cold lard
3/4 - 1 C full-fat buttermilk

flour in bowl. add lard. mix the lard very quickly with your fingers until the mixture looks like coarse meal. your goal in working quickly is to leave behind small bits of lard, which will melt during baking and leave light "flakes." if you don't work quickly and with a light hand, you will melt the lard. add smaller amount of buttermilk and mix with hands, lightly. do NOT knead. handle the dough, all through, lightly, keeping those little bits of lard intact. if you need more buttermilk, add.

turn out onto a floured surface. shape lightly into a circle about 1 inch thick. cut with a floured biscuit cutter. a drinking glass of the size you want, with the rim floured, works, too. put cut biscuits on buttered sheet and bake in the middle of the oven at 500 for about ten minutes. if you're like me and your oven smokes at 500, 450 for 15 minutes works just as well.

biscuits should be lightly golden. if you wish, brush with butter when they're hot. cut open and spread with more butter. in fact, when the biscuits are gone, eat the butter plain! rub the butter all over your.......sorry, i got carried away. i do like butter.

lardy, lardy, darothy, aren't we farchanate to be marmans!

i've never claimed that my parents were especially well brought up or well-educated. but one thing i know for sure is that somewhere in the lessons of childhood they failed to learn the appropriate definition of the word, "lard." somewhere in their lives, they came up with the idea that the word "lard" and the word "buttocks" could be used interchangably. for example, "move your lard and let me sit down." "get your lard out of the way: i can't see the tv." "will you get me some ice cream? sure, lardo."

i never realized that lard was a real product, prized for many good reasons by the southern cook.



i moved to north carolina about 33 years ago. at first, i enjoyed having an attitude which i have come to call the "california" attitude, i.e. making fun of everything and everybody, more or less without pausing. once i was asked to give a farewell for a family that was leaving here, and i gave them a gift so that they could have good southern cooking after they moved. it was the item pictured above. i just told them to add it to everything, and they would never miss the south.

now, that was in my snarky years. (aren't you glad those years are over?) now that i've lived here awhile and gained a deep and honest respect and admiration for southern people, i have learned to love southern cooking and lard. but now i know the more subtle flavors of the south. for example, you never put lard in green beans. are you kidding? only fat back, bacon, ham or other smoked pig fat will do.

now you may have a moral and physical (or even emotional or spiritual) repugnance for lard, and i, like everyone else, am trying to eat more healthy food. but you will never make a good southern biscuit unless you use lard. or pie crust. or perfect fried chicken. you can make a very good imperfect chicken without frying it in lard, but why risk it? once or twice a year for perfect biscuits, once a year for perfect pie, and once a year for perfect fried chicken, is not going to kill anyone.




summary: repeat five times out loud: pig fat is our friend.

christy wins!!!!

christy won my contest for the best fibonacci poem. she wrote a great poem and deserves the prize. yes, okay, she WAS the only one who wrote one, but i had already decided that my readers are a somewhat rebellious group that doesn't take to challenges or suggestions very well. so that's not exactly my fault, is it?

so if christy will contact me, i will make arrangement to award her fabulous prize, a $5 Michael's card. yeah, you wished you'd written something now, don't you? tough.










oh, yes, and happy birthday to the first of three july birthdays in our family: my son-in-law, christian plautz.